Today I am scared. David is on the inner edge of mania, walking a very fine line. He's become obsessed with a project for his computer and it consumes his every waking thought. If left to himself he wouldn't eat or sleep or do anything that wasn't involved in his project.
However, I do not leave him to deal with this on his own. I make sure he takes his meds, does his CES treatments, eats, sleeps, and unplugs from the computer. I force him to get through his responsibilities.
This morning he tried to tell me that he couldn't go with my dad to a training he was registered for because he didn't feel well and wanted to sleep. While I know his sinuses and allergies are crazy right now, I wasn't buying it for a second. Not that I think he was trying to lie to me, but mania is a persuasive disease. It does what it wants to get what it wants. At times mania is much scarier than depression.
Last night when the two of us were trying to figure out exactly how to keep the mania from coming on full force, he said something that made my heart ache. "Honey, please don't let me go back into depression, I don't know if I can take it."
ARGH!!!!!! I freaking hate this disease! Why are mania and depression the two main options with a little bit of normal every once in awhile? How is this fair? While I would never want to lose him, I have this feeling (please don't be offended if you have experienced this) that a loss would be easier to heal from than a chronic illness. I'm not saying death is easy by any stretch, but I feel like there is at least some closure and you can start the healing process even if it takes a very long time and you never stop some of the hurt. With bipolar we have NO end in sight. His pain and struggle continues day after day with no cure on the horizon. Again, I never want to lose him, I just want him healed.
So I'm scared, terrified really. Full blown mania is Bad! Definite hospitalization required, and he hates the hospital. I woke up 10 times during the night just to make sure he was still sleeping. His heart is racing, his bp is elevated, and he just can't shut his brain off. I'll call his dr but am afraid he'll want to reduce the happy meds and then he will fall back into depression. I'm so very tired. I'm also feeling selfish because I have 50 women coming to my house for a bridal shower for my niece on Saturday and I'm praying I can pull it off with him being okay.
I can't eat because the anxiety from my worry makes it hard to swallow. I just want to go get him, drive to our place at the lake and enjoy the serenity and peace totally unplugged from technology. God make this better. Hear all of my prayers and answer as you see fit. But please give David some relief.
M
Showing posts with label Mania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mania. Show all posts
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Some History
It would probably help most of you to know about David's history with this illness and how we've arrived at this current state. David has battled depression, though not very severe, from around the time he started college. He was prescribed anti-depressants which seemed to help, though looking back there was so much more going on that we didn't see at the time. For example, while always a shy and introverted person, he didn't realize the severity of his social anxiety. For years he was self-medicating with alcohol to get through the most basic of social functions. One (believe me there are many) problem with this was that David didn't know how to have one or two drinks. One drink always equalled seven or more, and most generally he wasn't the nicest person when intoxicated. Life went on like this for years and we just considered it our normal. Silly and naive, I know, but that's how it was.
I became pregnant with our daughter in October 2005 and life actually seemed to be going pretty well. When I was seven months along, David's dad suffered a massive heart attack and had triple bypass surgery. He was hospitalized for approximately two months. David took this extremely hard, particularly when Kennadie was born and his dad was still hospitalized. In retrospect, I probably should have seen the signs of what was to come. But without any experience for basis, that's not so easy to do. David started working on a "project" that he was insistent would make us rich and he could leave his job and be his own boss. As months went by, he was secluding himself more and more, getting less and less sleep and living on coffee and anti-depressants. In April 2006 he told me he was quitting his job, cashing out his retirement and beginning a new adventure. He was totally euphoric and there was nothing I could say that would change his mind.
That night I packed up Kennadie and went to my parents' house, afraid of what David was going to do and knowing something wasn't right. There were a series of events that night which led to him leaving town and finally calling me around 10:00 the next morning in tears; he had hit his bottom. He drove home and we took him to the hospital. His mania continued during his stay and lots of different meds and therapies were tried. He came home angry and denying that his bi-polar diagnosis was true. This battle went on for years with many bouts of him trying to run away and/or stopping his medicine. There were few good days, but mostly bad. He barely went to work and if he did, he left early. Honestly, he was a hot mess and there was nothing I could do about it.
In November 2009 we made the joint decision that working was not in his best interest. It was a huge trigger for his illness and every time he stayed home and got healthy, all was lost as soon as he went back to work. He went into a severe depression for the next two months until we finally found a fantastic psychiatrist and Christian therapist that really listened to him and took a genuine interest in his well-being.
David had a solid year and a half of mostly good days, though the depression was always still there. He had a hiccup this past November and we've been trying to dig out of it ever since, but feel like we are at least starting to make some headway. I have learned mostly what triggers his manic and depressive episodes and found that the paramount of his health is a regimented sleeping and eating pattern (and of course taking his meds). We are working hard to not just keep him healthy, but our family as well. For a while, the illness consumed all of us all of the time; we don't want to live that way and strive to keep focused on what's most important, our daughter.
So now you have some background and I will plan on updating on the here and now going forward. Remember, you can always ask questions, I'm no longer afraid to speak.
Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry ~ St. Padre Pio
I became pregnant with our daughter in October 2005 and life actually seemed to be going pretty well. When I was seven months along, David's dad suffered a massive heart attack and had triple bypass surgery. He was hospitalized for approximately two months. David took this extremely hard, particularly when Kennadie was born and his dad was still hospitalized. In retrospect, I probably should have seen the signs of what was to come. But without any experience for basis, that's not so easy to do. David started working on a "project" that he was insistent would make us rich and he could leave his job and be his own boss. As months went by, he was secluding himself more and more, getting less and less sleep and living on coffee and anti-depressants. In April 2006 he told me he was quitting his job, cashing out his retirement and beginning a new adventure. He was totally euphoric and there was nothing I could say that would change his mind.
That night I packed up Kennadie and went to my parents' house, afraid of what David was going to do and knowing something wasn't right. There were a series of events that night which led to him leaving town and finally calling me around 10:00 the next morning in tears; he had hit his bottom. He drove home and we took him to the hospital. His mania continued during his stay and lots of different meds and therapies were tried. He came home angry and denying that his bi-polar diagnosis was true. This battle went on for years with many bouts of him trying to run away and/or stopping his medicine. There were few good days, but mostly bad. He barely went to work and if he did, he left early. Honestly, he was a hot mess and there was nothing I could do about it.
In November 2009 we made the joint decision that working was not in his best interest. It was a huge trigger for his illness and every time he stayed home and got healthy, all was lost as soon as he went back to work. He went into a severe depression for the next two months until we finally found a fantastic psychiatrist and Christian therapist that really listened to him and took a genuine interest in his well-being.
David had a solid year and a half of mostly good days, though the depression was always still there. He had a hiccup this past November and we've been trying to dig out of it ever since, but feel like we are at least starting to make some headway. I have learned mostly what triggers his manic and depressive episodes and found that the paramount of his health is a regimented sleeping and eating pattern (and of course taking his meds). We are working hard to not just keep him healthy, but our family as well. For a while, the illness consumed all of us all of the time; we don't want to live that way and strive to keep focused on what's most important, our daughter.
So now you have some background and I will plan on updating on the here and now going forward. Remember, you can always ask questions, I'm no longer afraid to speak.
Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry ~ St. Padre Pio
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