I thought it might be interesting to detail a typical (wow, did I just say typical) day in our life. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really need to detail two different typical days in our lives: depressed and normal. Because in all honestly that's how we live and we never know which day we are going to get until it's here - I liken it to ordering from eBay. There is a third type of day, manic, but thankfully those are fewer and further between, and it's very difficult to consider any part of that typical, though he exhibits some of the same traits each time (euphoria, lack of sleep, not eating, grandiose ideas, spending large sums of money, and when he starts crashing down, paranoia).
Day 1 (Normal)
It's probably best to start with a normal day, so you can see the difference in how his mood affects each day. Our typical weekday begins with both of us waking up, me getting ready for work and him getting K ready for school. He packs her lunch and daily snack, makes sure any paperwork that needs to go back to school is in her folder and that she gets dressed. Then he sends her to me so I can do her hair (he's tried, but it's so much easier when I do it, lol). Then he takes her to school and I head off to work.
He may decide to visit my dad at his office and help with some miscellaneous computer tasks, or he'll stay home and get some laundry done or run to the store (if we are in dire need of something). Otherwise, he tries to find things to occupy his time, like reading. Then he picks K up from school and spends time working with her on reading, or flashcards, or playing a game, until I get home from work. As long as we don't have any evening commitments, it's usually dinner, then a shower for K and then I get time with her before she goes to bed. We usually try to have some time just for us at the end of the night, even if it's just both of us in the same room while I do homework and he does whatever.
Day 2 (Depressed)
A depressed day starts out much differently. I get up by myself and take care of the entire morning routine including taking K to school. Then I go to work and pray that he'll be okay at home. He usually will sleep for most of the day or at least just lay in bed, not finding an interest in much of anything. I will call and check on him and often run home at lunch to make sure he eats something. I worry most of the day because I never know what to expect: is he going to feel like leaving on a whim, will he ask me to leave work early, what if he decides to stop taking his medicine? I put on my smile around him though, because one of us needs to be cheery, right?
On really bad days, I'll have to get someone to pick K up from school (thank God for that support network!) and then I'll get her after work. The evening is spent with me and K doing things with just the two of us and once she goes to bed it's a long night of talking about everything that is currently making him feel sad. Neither of us sleep much on these nights, but he makes up for it the next day while I'm back at work.
These days are hard on all of us. K knows daddy doesn't feel well, or "has a headache" and prays for him a lot. She even prays for him in prayer circle at school (love, love, love that she goes to Catholic school). She'll ask me when daddy will feel better, which breaks my heart because I honestly don't ever have a good answer for her. I try to keep things as normal as possible for her though, and I reassure her that daddy is going to be just fine (I think I'm often trying to convince myself more than her). I hate these days because I'm a fixer and it's hard not being able to talk or bs my way out of a problem (for the record, depression does not negotiate). Sometimes I'm resentful, not at David, but at the illness and the havoc it wreaks without any prejudice or care for those affected. Depression is evil, painful, and strips you of dignity, faith, and any hope of something better.
But we're here and we have to keep on going. God didn't put me on this Earth to give up because things aren't easy or how I envisioned them. We are a family of fighters and that is exactly what we will keep doing. I pray and talk to God quite a bit and used to get angry with Him for not answering my prayers and just making this all better. However, I've come to realize that it is not my place to question His plan and sometimes the answer to my prayers are not to be realized yet. I'm good with this (I can say that because it's been a good day). I still get angry at times, but know that He understands and truly believe He carries us through our most difficult times. I am thankful for all of my blessings and hope to be able to help others going through similar difficulties.
Until later. Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry ~ St. Padre Pio
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