Scared

Today I am scared. David is on the inner edge of mania, walking a very fine line. He's become obsessed with a project for his computer and it consumes his every waking thought. If left to himself he wouldn't eat or sleep or do anything that wasn't involved in his project.

However, I do not leave him to deal with this on his own. I make sure he takes his meds, does his CES treatments, eats, sleeps, and unplugs from the computer. I force him to get through his responsibilities.

This morning he tried to tell me that he couldn't go with my dad to a training he was registered for because he didn't feel well and wanted to sleep. While I know his sinuses and allergies are crazy right now, I wasn't buying it for a second. Not that I think he was trying to lie to me, but mania is a persuasive disease. It does what it wants to get what it wants. At times mania is much scarier than depression.

Last night when the two of us were trying to figure out exactly how to keep the mania from coming on full force, he said something that made my heart ache. "Honey, please don't let me go back into depression, I don't know if I can take it."

ARGH!!!!!! I freaking hate this disease! Why are mania and depression the two main options with a little bit of normal every once in awhile? How is this fair? While I would never want to lose him, I have this feeling (please don't be offended if you have experienced this) that a loss would be easier to heal from than a chronic illness. I'm not saying death is easy by any stretch, but I feel like there is at least some closure and you can start the healing process even if it takes a very long time and you never stop some of the hurt. With bipolar we have NO end in sight. His pain and struggle continues day after day with no cure on the horizon. Again, I never want to lose him, I just want him healed.

So I'm scared, terrified really. Full blown mania is Bad! Definite hospitalization required, and he hates the hospital. I woke up 10 times during the night just to make sure he was still sleeping. His heart is racing, his bp is elevated, and he just can't shut his brain off. I'll call his dr but am afraid he'll want to reduce the happy meds and then he will fall back into depression. I'm so very tired. I'm also feeling selfish because I have 50 women coming to my house for a bridal shower for my niece on Saturday and I'm praying I can pull it off with him being okay.

I can't eat because the anxiety from my worry makes it hard to swallow. I just want to go get him, drive to our place at the lake and enjoy the serenity and peace totally unplugged from technology. God make this better. Hear all of my prayers and answer as you see fit. But please give David some relief.


M